Blurb Coaching Post – Road of a Warrior

Today, Ryan Lanz kicked off his new writer’s club which works to give writers the benefit of a network of professionals for marketing, editing, content, and cover design, all for an affordable member fee. The club features articles, free book promotions, contests, insider tips, and free blurb coaching for members, and to give you a sample of the latter (as yours truly will be the professional offering that service), I wanted to share a sample blurb coaching with all of you.

 

Special thanks go to R. K. Lander for letting me post her blurb online with coaching comments. 🙂

Future member blurbs will also be spotlighted on my website, in the hopes that other writers can pick up a few things from the coaching to use on their own projects, though members will still get first peek on the writer’s club page.

You can find more details about blurb coaching and my other coaching and editing services in general at these links.

 

Title: Road of a Warrior: The Silvan #2

Author: R. K. Lander

Genre: Fantasy

Original Blurb:

A light in the forest, a love denied, a past to claim …

Fel’annár is an immortal, half-blood warrior from the Deep Forest, an orphan whose questions were never answered. With an unbreakable dream of becoming a Silvan captain in an army ruled by the colonizing Alpine elves, he is sent on a mission to protect a prince of the realm. Bound for Tar’eastór, land of the mighty Alpine elves and of Fel’annár’s own father – whoever he was, his nascent powers will evolve and his shrouded past will finally emerge. The truth he never thought to hear will thrust him onto a road strewn with political intrigue, discrimination, danger and self-discovery.

Meanwhile, a failing king will rise from the ashes of grief, triggering a political battle between Alpines and Silvans, between those loyal to the king, and those that seek Alpine domination over the native Silvans.

Councillors battle at court, warriors fight the enemy at their borders, while the danger within is pulling the people apart.

They say that civil war is coming, but one elf can avoid it – if he can embrace his past, control his powers and accept the role he is destined to play.

From warrior to master and beyond, Fel’annár is The Silvan who can restore peace in the Great Forest, or cast it into eternal chaos.

Blurb with Coaching Comments:

A light in the forest, a love denied, a past to claim … Just as a thought, the “love denied” might suggest that this is romance, or at least raise hopes in some readers that there will be romance included. If this isn’t the case, you might consider modifying what sort of love you’re talking about so as to not create false expectations (a “father’s love denied,” for example).

Fel’annár is an immortal, You don’t need the comma here. half-blood warrior from the Deep Forest, an orphan whose questions were never answered. I like this. It establishes who he is and what his past was without belaboring things. With an unbreakable dream of becoming a Silvan captain in an army ruled by the colonizing Alpine elves, This feels a bit wordy, especially since this second sentence does a lot of “heavy lifting” for the blurb, setting up the situation of the story. You might consider getting rid of “unbreakable” and “colonizing.” While they help flesh out the world, they are long words in a fairly long sentence. he is sent on a mission to protect a prince of the realm. Again, you probably don’t need “on a mission” and could just say “he is sent to protect.” And what makes the mission unique is that he’s going to Tar’easór, from the sounds of things, so you might need to add the next sentence to this one: “he is sent to protect a prince of the realm traveling to Tar’eastor…”. Bound for Tar’eastór, land of the mighty Alpine elves and of Fel’annár’s own father – whoever he was, You might think about ending this sentence here, after having added it to the preceding sentence. “Whoever he was” is a powerful statement and right now, it feels rather buried. his nascent powers will evolve and his shrouded past will finally emerge. You’ve said Fel’annár is going to the land of his father. By this point, readers will expect the mystery about his father to be included, so saying it will “finally emerge” is unnecessary.

Still, the “powers” part is new information, so you might find a way to create a stand-alone sentence (or one joined to the next sentence) about the powers that gives readers a bit more information about what sort of powers he has and why they’re evolving. And since this is the second book in the series, this might be a good time to hint at Book One so new readers know it exists and are intrigued enough to pick it up. Something like “The nascent powers that Fel’annár first experienced while training to be a warrior will continue to evolve, and…” The truth he never thought to hear will thrust him onto a road strewn with political intrigue, discrimination, danger and self-discovery. I like this. Again, it hints at the themes your story will cover without elaborating too much.

Meanwhile, a failing king will rise from the ashes of grief, triggering a political battle Does the king’s rising trigger the political battle, or is there something he does in response to “rising” that leads to the battle? Taking back his rightful role as ruler of the realm? Reclaiming his place as leader of his people? between Alpines and Silvans, between those loyal to the king, and those that seek Alpine domination over the native Silvans. You mention the Alpines as colonizing the Silvans, so how is this “Alpine domination” any different than the status quo? Or do you mean “continued” Alpine domination here?

Councillors battle at court, warriors fight the enemy at their borders, while the danger within is pulling the people apart. This sounds a touch mysterious. Is “the danger within” something along the lines of Fel’annár’s powers? Or is it just their internal strife? If the latter, this sentence might be clearer if you put the warrior part first (“While warriors fight the enemy…”) and then juxtapose it with the fighting at home (“councillors battle each other over racial divisions that are pulling their court and people apart.”).

They say that civil war is coming, but one elf can avoid it – if he can embrace his past, control his powers and accept the role he is destined to play.

From warrior to master and beyond, Fel’annár is The Silvan who can restore peace in the Great Forest, or cast it into eternal chaos. These last two sentences sounds a touch melodramatic, but this is fantasy, which generally accepts melodrama more readily than other genres, and if it fits the story you’re telling, I’d stick with it. It wraps the blurb up nicely, explaining what the politics have to do with Fel’annár without giving everything away.

 

Comments Copyright 2017 Andrea Lundgren

Author retains original copyright for full content of the blurb

Image by hotblack, Creative Commons

2 thoughts on “Blurb Coaching Post – Road of a Warrior

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